I had a writing assignment not to long ago about using Preparation H as a wrinkle cream. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence to support the fact that Prep H is good for wrinkles, but when I tried to find clinical evidence of this, there was none to be found. Wyeth, the manufacturers of Prep H, do not recommend the use of this substance on anything but the rectal zone, which makes sense.

First of all, I’m okay with my wrinkles, figuring I’ve earned every single one of them. And, let’s face it, my days of being a sexy bombshell are just about over. That doesn’t bother me, either. What does bother me is society’s focus on youth, as if a more mature appearance is something of which to be ashamed.

I really don’t want to be reduced to apply cream meant for my ass on my face to meet some abstract standard of beauty to which I do not subscribe.

Who’s with me?

You know, I could get all bunged up over the wrinkles I see more and more of in the mirror (I have GOT to dim the lights in the bathroom) and run for the nearest new eye wrinkle cream in a vain attempt to stop the hands of time marching across my face. But you know what? I’m never going to win that war, and I actually don’t mind them. I call them “laugh lines”, and although some of them (okay, maybe most) are due to laughing, a lot of them are due to crying, let’s face it.

However, my wrinkles are also a badge of honor. They show I’ve gone through the fire and come out the other side, and that’s a victory. I’ll worry about other things, like my kids, my health, the total fark-up of health care in this country, but I’m not going to worry about the lines on my face. They tell a story:

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am…

~Brandi Carlile
“The Story”

Lacey Brown singing The Story

Okay, I’m just cracking up here.

I research a lot of things on the internet; that’s part of my job. A part that I absolutely love, actually, because I’m a nosy little critter. I receive a lot of odd-type assignments as a freelance writer, and so I’m usually looking up a variety of stuff that you would not believe.

Today (and I can hear you snickering already) it was hemorrhoids. Come on, a lot of people have them, especially if you’ve borne children, gained or lost weight, or if you’ve had poo problems. Don’t be embarrassed….it happens to a lot of people. That’s not what’s making me gigglesnort.

In my research, I have learned there are other uses for the best hemorrhoid treatments and creams. Wanna know what they are?

1. Applying the cream beneath your eyes can reduce the appearance of bags, or puffiness. Yes. It’s true. The trick is to only leave it on for about twenty minutes, then gently remove. The skin should be less puffy and very soft when you’re done.

2. Reduce the unsightly appearance of blemishes by diminishing the swelling. It doesn’t do anything for the redness, but it does shrink the zit.

3. Reduces the appearance of fine wrinkles or laugh lines (like the ones I’m getting now from gigglesnorting. Heh.)

4. Can be used as a cold sore treatment, but it is advised NOT TO LICK IT! (I’m dying here.)

5. Can also be used to temporarily tighten the skin on the thighs or upper arms.

So, now you know. And I’m left wondering if all those expensive beauty creams can be used in a pinch if you have an attack of hemorrhoids and have no Prep H handy. Tit for tat, right?

Since the birth of my first grandbaby, affectionately known as “Muffin”, I keep looking in the mirror to see if I can recognize that old lady in the mirror and think of her as a GRANDMOTHER. It boggles my mind you see, because in my head I am nineteen and not one minute older, I don’t see the need for anti wrinkle eye cream because the face I see is still youthful and smooth.

Then I’ll see a picture and think, wow, is that what I really look like? A touch of gray, a few wrinkles around the eyes, hair in places it never grew before, even as it vacates other places best left unmentioned. I don’t feel bad about my appearance, what I’m really starting to wig out over is how the years have flown by. How does that happen so fast? I guess I should spend less worrying about HOW it happened and take a look at what is GOING to happen. You know, look forward rather than behind. Although, looking back and learning from your mistakes has some merit, right?

Just don’t get stuck there.