I was reading one of the gossip sites (one of my harmless vices) and I read a story where Gwenyth Paltrow is a fan of the benefits of colon cleansing. Okay, call me old-fashioned or behind the times, but the thought of stuffing a tube up an “Exit Only” orafice and blasting water up there is not my idea of a good time. Of course, being the curious type, I had to look into this strange practice a little more to see what the big deal is.

Colon cleansing seems to be popular in Hollywood, which only makes sense when you realize how full of shit that town is. (Heh, I crack myself up.) The Mayo Clinic states that not only is colon cleansing unnecessary, it can be dangerous. Your colon is already set up to naturally eliminate waste and bacteria, and to mess around with that delicate balance can be trouble. You can become dehydrated, or it can disrupt the electrolyte balance in your body which can be dangerous if you have heart or kidney disease.

WebMD contends that the reflexes of the bowel affect the entire nervous system. I believe this. When your bowels are out of whack, your whole body sits up and pays attention. Additionally, the colon sheds old cells about every three days, so it seems like it takes care of itself pretty well.

I say, leave my colon alone. As long as it takes care of business, I’m not going to annoy it…we have an uneasy truce these days and that’s good enough for me.

It cracks me up some of the spam that shows up in my in-box. I get ads for every kind of prescription drug under the sun, whether I have the equipment for it or not. (They shall remain nameless in order to avoid any more spamming than I already get.) I receive exhortations to join this cause or that cause; offers for free coupons and gift cards from major department stores; I even get advice on everything from who should be my next date to consulting the future to see if he really loves me. On top of that, I found one today that told me I am full of shit (well, they didn’t use that word but I got the message) and I need colon cleansing products in order to reach optimal health.

Now, I’m certain I’m full of something. I further believe that regular elimination plays a huge part in overall health. However, I’d much rather manage that by drinking more fluids, becoming less sedentary, and eating a better diet than taking something designed to rip through your bowels with all the finesse of a rocket. By the same token, I’ll pass on shoving something up the other end, tyvm. I have a feeling in my older years I’ll be experiencing that on a much more frequent basis, if you feel me.

Guess what? You’re getting to that age, people. It’s colonoscopy time. The American Cancer Society recommends the test at age 50 and again at age 60. Colorectal cancer is the leading non-smoking related cancer killer of Americans. Lucky for our fine readers, I’ve been having colonoscopies since I was 15, due to Crohn’s.

My neighbor, now 51, is set to have her first colonoscopy. Not knowing what to expect, she asked me what to expect and I have agreed to go with her when she has the procedure done.

Here’s the short version. Do not eat up to 36 hours before. That is to say, the least amount of solid food you have ½ to 2 days before the procedure, the easier time you’ll have with the prep. Instead, put yourself on a liquid diet. 2 days before, it can even be full liquids like tomato and potato soups. The day before, stick to clear liquids, such as chicken/beef broth, jello and Popsicles.

In all honesty, the worst thing about a colonoscopy is the prep, the dreaded colon cleansing. I always hated that part. The doctor will either give you, or give you a prescription for Golytely. The flavored kinds are called Colytely. While the flavored is tastier than the non-flavored, that’s not saying a lot. And both kinds come in a gallon container that you just add water to. The patient must drink one 8 ounce glass every 15-20 minutes until the whole gallon has been taken.

Stay close to the bathroom because it will hit you and hit you hard. I suggest a container of tucks, as your booty might be a bit tender by the end of it. The goal is the stool should be liquid and almost clear in color. At the very least, a light, light, pale urine color. And believe me, if you’re not clear, the doctor will not do the test on you. In some cases an additional Fleet enema may be necessary the day of the procedure.

That’s the hard part, trust me. Be sure and take someone with you to drive you home. That way the doctor can give you medications to make the test easier. Most people don’t even remember the actual procedure because of the drugs.

The doctor inserts a long rubber-like tube into the rectum. He uses air to inflate the intestines, and water to wash the intestinal walls.

Be prepared when the test if over, to fart. A lot. And you may even have a little bit of fluid expelled with the flatulence.

And that’s it. It’s almost instant. The doctor is able to take biopsies during the procedure, along with photos of your large intestine. So once the lab processes the biopsies, the answer is pretty efficient and quick.

A colonoscopy sounds embarrassing, feels embarrassing, but until you’ve had as many as I’ve had (in 30 years, we’re probably talking at least 50,) suck it up and get over it. The procedure itself when done with medication, is really quite painless. As I said, the worst part of the whole thing is the prep.

Now go forth and get scoped. Your health may depend on it.