Image by principia aesthetica via Flickr

You know, my friends and I talk about this a lot in our Chick Chat Sessions. One friend has been married three times, and I really have to give her huge props for that, and for surviving the Aftermath. I know for a fact I cannot do that again. I don’t know if I could take on the old ball and chain, even knowing intellectually I am (theoretically) smarter for the first experience, and that not all guys are the same. Well, except for the penis thing. That’s just a given.

Anyway, what we were talking about is how marriage has changed over the last centuries. How it used to be (at least for the blooded) strictly a business proposition. A joining of property and material goods. The mortality rate for infants and children was incredibly high; as a result, nannies and nurses raised the children, who were produced in order to inherit the joining of the property and material goods.

Parents negotiated their children like the property they were.

The values of society are in constant flux. Back in those days, your lifespan was anywhere from the late twenties to the early fifties. People died young all the time, so it wasn’t uncommon for people to only be married say, twenty years.

Now we live a lot longer, and when we marry, to say “for the rest of my life, or until one of us cacks”, is saying a lot more for a lot more years. Not only are multiple marriages more common, so are older singles.

Maybe we’re only meant to be with one partner for xx amount of years, and maybe then the brain or the heart just can’t take it anymore. Maybe it’s the natural process — how do we know? Again with the “society in flux” thing, and the biology of the human animal, and BTW, just who the hell *IS* society anyway, to determine how things are supposed to go?

With the divorce rate so high, there’s a quiet revolution going on. The face of relationships, financial consequences and the ties that bind are all changing as the demographic of the population changes.

For instance…

There’s a man and a woman who have been dating for four years. They each have their own place and are financially secure, but she doesn’t have retirement or health insurance and he does. They’re in their fifties.

Her first marriage lasted nine years, therefore she is not eligible for her ex’s social security (if they had been married ten years, she could claim a portion of it upon retirement. Did you know that?) It would have been higher than hers.

Her beau has an ex-wife who can claim not only a portion of his SS, but also his pension from his employer.

There are also taxes to consider, property, and inevitable health concerns to deal with.

So, it’s not as simple as, “Will you marry me because I love you and we get on well together.” It’s not the same scenario as a first marriage, where the focus is on building a family. The second marriage has a different focus — not only is it compatibility and companionship, but there are financial repercussions as well. And that’s not even throwing in the mix the extended families.

It’s a lot to think about when the subject of marriage comes up between two people. Ideally it shouldn’t be so complicated, but life for everyone has become more complicated. It will be interesting to see how the face of marriage changes in the coming years. Another friend suggested something similar to the custom presented by “Star Trek” – a five year contract, with certain conditions as set forth by both parties regarding kids, money, responsibilities and monogamy. At the end of the term, you either renew or part ways, dividing property etc. as previously negotiated. She says, “It’s what happens by default anyway; why not be authentic about it?”

That might be something I could live with.