Image via Wikipedia

Have you ever fantasized about having a super-power? You know, like Spiderman, Superman or the Green Lantern? I know I have. It’s only now that I’ve gone through menopause that I realize the power I have and how it could translate into becoming a super-heroine. Let me give you some examples.

Lava Lana: This incarnation is born of none other than the ubiquitous hot flashes. First of all, the garb would have to be like that of Wonder Woman for coolness (actual temperature coolness,) but able to tuck in tummy rolls and disguise cellulite. Lava Lana would be able to shoot flames from her fingertips and burn wrongdoers with one glance from her fiery eyes.

The Swinger: Not what you’re thinking. The Swinger would have the ability to take a mood swing, fashion a shining Rope of Power, and bind wrongdoers securely against further infractions, such as breathing too loud, sleeping too long or failing to put the dishes away from the dishwasher.

Sweating Sally: A distant cousin to Lava Lana, Sweating Sally has the power to drown her enemies in a sea of sweat. Often triggered by Lava Lana, SS usually has enough in her arsenal to float a battleship, drown small children and disgust the hardiest of husbands. Her kryptonite:Cool Jams .

These are just a few examples of how those pesky menopausal symptoms can translate into being used for the greater good of all, and protecting against evil masterminds of the universe. Do you have a villain in your house that refuses to take out the trash? Unleash The Swinger and tie them up until they agree to your demands. Does your nemesis routinely ignore your requests to help with laundry, grocery shopping or other routine chores? Let Sweating Sally loose when they least expect it with no life-preserver or Cool Jams in sight.

And, if you catch some evil mastermind forgetting to fill up the gas tank – Lava Lana will take care of business. Hopefully there will be a car left over when she’s done.

Menopause has its advantages, and the smart woman knows how to harness her power to fight the Evils of Neglected House Duties, Children Who Break Curfew or Husbands Who Ignore “Honey-Do” Lists. You might not ever be able to leap tall buildings at a single bound, but with the right application of the powers you do possess you might be amazed and delighted at the things you can get done.

For maximum effect, don’t forget the proper wardrobe. Lava Lana should invest in flame-retardant garments, while Sweating Sally is probably best garbed in Cool Jams to prevent accidental drowning. No one dares tell The Swinger how to dress – it seems best to let her go her own way lest you be wrapped up in Ropes of Power cutting off your blood supply.

There are many other alter-egos available to the post-menopausal woman – think Hairy Hannah, with chin hair that can be used as sharp weapons. Or Sleep-Deprived Sarah, a super-heroine on the edge. Use your imagination and a sense of humor; your best weapons against a menopausal meltdown.

And remember, like Spiderman’s uncle so wisely put it – “With great power comes great responsibility.” It’s not easy, and sometimes it’s not fun, but with the right spin, your Menopausal Super Power can accomplish great things.

Now, go out there and give ‘em hell!