From hemorrhoids to home insurance quotes, we cover the gamut here, don’t we?

Today’s subject is organization. I can’t get organized to save my life, except when it comes to work. Why is that? Why can I arrange my work in a very neat and orderly way, but I can’t find my grandmother’s recipe for pigs in the blanket? Or figure out where I left the hammer? It’s so weird how the brain operates.

There’s a move in my near future, and when I think of it I break out in a cold sweat. No matter how many times I’ve moved and how much I swear the next time I’m going to be more organized, it never ends up that way. I usually end up chucking stuff hither and yon, and then wonder when it comes to unpacking it all I can’t find a damned thing I need.

I’ve read (and written!) articles on how to label boxes, make lists, and pack things neatly, but I just can’t seem to pull that off. The kitchen stuff is jumbled with books; clothes are packed with the bathroom stuff; pictures are included with shoes in the same box. Go figure.

I need an intervention. Gah.

Okay, I’m just cracking up here.

I research a lot of things on the internet; that’s part of my job. A part that I absolutely love, actually, because I’m a nosy little critter. I receive a lot of odd-type assignments as a freelance writer, and so I’m usually looking up a variety of stuff that you would not believe.

Today (and I can hear you snickering already) it was hemorrhoids. Come on, a lot of people have them, especially if you’ve borne children, gained or lost weight, or if you’ve had poo problems. Don’t be embarrassed….it happens to a lot of people. That’s not what’s making me gigglesnort.

In my research, I have learned there are other uses for the best hemorrhoid treatments and creams. Wanna know what they are?

1. Applying the cream beneath your eyes can reduce the appearance of bags, or puffiness. Yes. It’s true. The trick is to only leave it on for about twenty minutes, then gently remove. The skin should be less puffy and very soft when you’re done.

2. Reduce the unsightly appearance of blemishes by diminishing the swelling. It doesn’t do anything for the redness, but it does shrink the zit.

3. Reduces the appearance of fine wrinkles or laugh lines (like the ones I’m getting now from gigglesnorting. Heh.)

4. Can be used as a cold sore treatment, but it is advised NOT TO LICK IT! (I’m dying here.)

5. Can also be used to temporarily tighten the skin on the thighs or upper arms.

So, now you know. And I’m left wondering if all those expensive beauty creams can be used in a pinch if you have an attack of hemorrhoids and have no Prep H handy. Tit for tat, right?

Last night, I had a problem getting to sleep. Too many hamsters in my head, yanno? It happens.

So, instead of taking a pharmaceutical sleeping aid, I decided to browse YouTube for something to separate my mind from the furry little rodents intent on chomping up my last brain cell.

I am happy to report it worked.

Once upon a time, when I was a much younger goddess, one of my favorite shows was the Carol Burnett Show. I don’t know what made me look it up on YouTube, but am I glad I did. They do not make shows like that anymore, and it’s a shame. The comic timing from all members of the cast was sheer genius. From what I understand, there was a basic outline of the scenes given to the actors, and then it was all improv from there. HYSTERICAL. I honestly believe between this show, Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In, The Smothers Brothers and game shows like Hollywood Squares (the old one, not the new one), the Newlywed Game, and Match Game, this is where I learned my sense of humor.

There is nothing on television now that even compares to the heights of hilarity found on these shows. I think I crack up just as much as the cast cracking up at each other as I do the jokes. There was just a sense of joy and a nasty kind of innocence, if that make sense, unequaled today.

Just check this out — and I dare you not to gigglesnort your way into peeing your pants:

Carol Burnett Bloopers Part One

I slept like a baby after watching this.

Omg, the snow! Okay? Can I just say I’m sick to death of snow already?

Honestly, at this point instead of investing in a fat burner I’d invest in a SNOW BURNER. I am so ready for spring. I’ve weathered (pun intended) frozen pipes, furnace woes, and being stuck inside for what seems like YEARS. Okay, maybe it hasn’t been years but it sure feels like it.

This is fairly unusual weather for the Lou, and I thought when I moved here from central New York I left things behind like snow shovels, ice scrapers, boots and other winter accessories. Instead, I’m making soup in the crockpot by the gallon and shivering under a quilt and taking too many naps. Maybe bears have the right of it…just crawl in a cave and don’t come out until the sun shines.

Here is an easy-peasy recipe for potato soup that has been a staple for me this winter. I have a small 2 qt crockpot, and a batch of this soup lasts me all week. It’s very versatile, and I’ve modified it several times according to what I have in the fridge. It’s fairly low calorie/low fat, depending on what you add. Forgive the lack of measuring; I cook by the seat of my pants.

Netta’s Easy- Peasy Winter Potato Soup

2 large potatoes, peeled and cut into small pieces
1/2 onion, chopped
Baby carrots, sliced
Chicken broth

Cut the potatoes, carrots, and onion and throw in the crockpot. Add enough chicken broth to cover, and turn the crockpot on high.

Cook until the potatoes and carrots are soft.

Drain the vegetables, and reserve the broth, returning it to the crockpot.

I have a small manual food processor, and in that I throw the vegetables and mush them all up. I leave them a little chunky to give texture to the soup. Return the mush to the broth in the crockpot and stir well. Salt and pepper to taste. This is your base.

To this, you can add chicken, spinach, or leftover vegetables like green beans or corn. I’ve thrown in a couple of cans of clams, baby scallops, corn, and turned it into a fabulous seafood chowder. Other options include bacon or leftover ham or pork.

Before serving, I’ll add a dollop of half and half (or cream) and a couple of ounces of cheddar cheese to each bowl. Top with croutons or oyster crackers and YUM. Cheap AND easy

I bet the bears don’t eat this well in the winter. Heh.

I like to think I don’t watch a whole lot of television, and for the most part, I don’t. Oh, it’s on, but it’s more for background noise while I work than anything else. There’s quite a difference in daytime and nighttime programming, let me say this much. And while I can’t resist Prime Time TV, it’s easy to ignore the daytime blaring of soap operas, advertisements for a mesothelioma lawyer, and reruns of Petticoat Junction on the TVLand channel.

Prime time? That’s another story. I either have to keep the tube off or work during commercials. Heh. My favorites right now are:

The Olympics: Come on. Who doesn’t love the Winter Olympics? Except for that poor Georgian luger that lost his life the first day. Holy shitzer, man. That was AWUL.

Boss Undercover: Here, a CEO or owner of a big company (so far it’s been a waste management company and Hooters – yes, THAT Hooters) goes undercover and checks out what their company is doing down in the trenches. Most of the time, the CEO fails miserably at the menial tasks people like you and I do every day, and they come away enlightened and galvanized to make some changes in the way they do business. Very interesting.

The Amazing Race/American Idol/Survivor/Project Runway: I’m a reality show ho. There. I said it.

Castle: A mystery series about a writer who shadows a detective in New York City. I watch this show for one reason and one reason only — NATHAN FILLION! Omg. *swoon* *drool* *thud!*

I’m waiting patiently for Flash Forward to come back. I’m sick of networks dropping good shows before they ever get a chance to take off (Defying Gravity?) so I tend to stay away from series.

What are your favorites?

I find it the height of hilarity to be watching TV and come across a commercial for the treatment for hair loss. Why, you ask? Because the solution is simple, if scientists just got their heads out of their asses and took a good look around, especially the older ones who may have a post-menopausal woman in the house.

Hair. Where the hell does it all come from and better yet, tell me why why WHY does it grow where it never did before? I’m minding my own business, and all of a sudden I notice I have a chin hair that’s practically down to my navel. WTF, people? Has no one noticed this? Could no one tell me before it got to this horrendous stage, or are y’all just snickering behind your hand waiting for me to discover it on my own and fall over in a fit of disgust? Or maybe you were waiting for me to fasten a bead on the end of it as a fashion statement.

Look. If you see your beloved woman, be it mother, sister, friend, or hell, even the next-door neighbor, do society a favor if you notice an out of control hair thing going on. SAY SOMETHING. If you don’t have the ballz of steel, then simply hand her a pair of tweezers with a nice smile. She might even let you keep your head. Heh.

It’s amazing what I learn in researching different things for my job. Google is great for this, although I will admit it’s a bit like falling down the rabbit hole. I’ll start with researching jobs in Philadelphia and end up reading about the mating habits of the fainting goats. How I got there, I have no idea, but if I even decide to start raising these weird little goats that fall over for absolutely no reason at all, I’ll have a head start.

The result is, my brain is stuffed with trivial information for which I may never find a practical use, other than helping me out if I ever catch the Cash Cab or be called for Jeopardy. And you know what will happen then? I’ll forget everything I ever knew.

Unless I hit it lucky with categories. You know….”I’ll take fainting goats for $1000, Alex.” Heh.

At first, I thought hgh was another in the endless supply of acronyms that assail the senses in online work. WTH (what the hell) is HGH? Hello-Goodbye-Hello?

Apparently, its the Human Growth Hormone that’s currently being touted as the next miracle marvel. It’s being promoted as an anti-aging product, a weight loss aid, a muscle building assistant.

Does it do dishes or take out the trash? No? Shovel snow, maybe? Now THAT would be useful. Actually, it sounds like a fertilizer for growing clones. I have this picture in my head of rows of clones growing in a field.

I know. I play too much Farmville. Heh.

Of all the antiaging products and anti-wrinkle stuff I’ve ever heard of, this one not only blows my mind but it’s rather disgusting, if you asked me.

I just saw a news clip in which you can have fat liposuctioned off of your derriere and injected into your face to reduce the appearance of old age.

Uh.

I know you can hear the jokes from there.

Not only do I not want needles near my face, the thought of syringes filled with the fat from my ass doesn’t do anything for me, either.

I think I’ll stick with Oil of Olay. Although I think I’d better check the ingredients panel. Oie.

Okay, tell me it’s not just me. I am so ready for winter to be over. O.V.E.R.

There’s nothing like frigid weather and lots of snow to make people thing long and hard about starting a successful home business. The upside is you can work in your jammies (my favorite perk), don’t have to worry about shoveling the driveway, and can set your schedule around reruns of CSI on Spike TV.

The downside is a raging case of cabin fever, and while I don’t think I’ve hit maximum overload yet, it’s close. Why does it seem like February, as truncated of a month as it is, seems so damned long?

I’m ready for spring. SO. READY.